|
Newsletter
9 Article
One Year On
As the
first anniversary of my darling son OSCAR has just past on the 25th
Feb (his death on the 3rd March), I wanted to reflect on "one year
on".
Just
over 12 months ago I was very excited about the pending birth of my
first child, after miscarrying 2 babies in the April of 2003. What
actually transpired leads me to today, One Year On.
Getting pregnant was something I had wanted forever....maybe not
getting pregnant as such but having children and it doesn't seem
that hard, thousands of babies are born each year. The doctors told
me the miscarriages were just "one of those things" that happen to
about one in four women especially in the first pregnancy, but
nothing that would hinder future pregnancies.
So,
the traumatic birth that left my son needing to be ventilated was a
shock I was in no way prepared for and the fact that we would then
have to turn off his ventilator and end his little life will haunt
me forever. The week we had with OSCAR was irreplaceable and whilst
many people suggested it would have been "better" if he hadn't lived
for that long we believe that we had the chance to get to know our
little boy and that time will never be given back to us. I think
that any parent who has experienced a stillbirth would give anything
to have had their baby for a week, a day, an hour so for the time we
had I am very grateful.
In
those initial hours, days and weeks I thought I would go crazy and a
couple of times seriously thought I was falling over the
edge.......thank you to the SANDS people for supporting me through
this time, Andrea in particular. She saved my sanity too many times
to remember.
One
Year On, I had never thought I could return to work and in fact I
didn't, not at least to my previous employer....I felt embarrassed
or a failure in some way. It took me almost 7 or 8 months to even
visit them, just walking thru the door took all my strength.
One
Year On, so many things in our life have changed and we are
certainly not the people we were, I'm not the happy go lucky person
I was but I don't feel guilty anymore when I smile or laugh like I
used to in the early months.
One
Year On, the tears fall as they did then, not every day as they did
but as easily. I think of OSCAR every day and at times when I allow
myself to retrace that final hour when we chose to turn off his life
support, we watched as they removed his tubes and held him tight
until his little heart made its final beat, it's as if it happened
10 minutes ago.
One
Year On, we have a beautiful little girl LUCY who arrived 10 weeks
before Oscar's 1st birthday. She has brought us so much happiness
though we constantly look at her and think about what Oscar would
have been doing. She has in no way replaced OSCAR and she will know
all about her beautiful big brother. Perhaps we wouldn't have had
her if we hadn't lost OSCAR so in that small way there has been a
blessing in his loss.
One
Year On, I'm at a place I didn't think I would ever reach one year
ago, it's hard, constantly, and no matter how many times you are
told "it will get easier" it does get easier....eventually. For all
the newly bereaved parents, hang in there, cry when you need to and
laugh when you need to, most of all be kind to yourself and have no
expectations of what you "should" be doing.
Hugs
to everyone and kisses to our beautiful angels
Marie
April 2005
©
Copyright
© SANDS (SA) Inc. 1999-2002.
Last modified:16/7/04
Website designed and created by Kasia
Pawelski-Leach 2002
|
