Stillbirth Neonatal Death Support (SA) Inc.

It was only a few weeks ago, at a social gathering that I was asked the complex question ..." How many children do you have?" for any bereaved parent this question can trigger a range of emotions and often poses difficulty in its response. I am the mother of 5 children, 2 living, 3 in heaven.

I have suffered the loss of 3 babies, a miscarriage at 15 weeks and one at 8 weeks and the loss of my beautiful daughter Dominique Grace Rose stillborn at 38½ weeks.

For me, it has been a very challenging time, one of heartache that has made me question my values, my faith and my priorities.

Dominique's pregnancy was one with many complications, but nothing, not even my two previous miscarriages could prepare me for the devastation of her loss. At 38 ½ weeks I noticed that my usually active baby had not moved, and so as a precaution my husband and I took ourselves off to the familiar emergency room for a check up. This is where my world changed, after failing to find a heartbeat we were sent to Ultrasound to discover that our daughter had died. I will never forget how numb I felt, the disbelief was incomprehendable. I was induced within the hour, and thanks to the support of 3 amazing midwives I was able to give birth to her. I remember feeling for them also, as I was beside myself and unable to cope with what I was going through, their support, genuine care and kindness will always be remembered and treasured. Just before giving birth, I recall thinking that they had somehow got it wrong, that my baby was going to prove them wrong, but when silence followed her entry into this world, no words can describe my devastation. After 20 hours of labor, there was no sweet reward of a living baby, just the emptiness and grief that never seems to go.

Konrad and I spent time holding her, bathing and changing her. My family came in to meet her and share in her blessing. I spent the night with her and most of the next day, telling her everything I knew I would never get the chance to. I found the question of Autopsy very difficult, but in the end decided to go through with it. The experience of leaving the hospital empty handed and knowing that I was never taking her home will live with me for a lifetime. Having to come home to a house full of her belongings, that she could never use, and organize a funeral tore me apart.

I once heard that the reason there is no name for a bereaved parent as there is for a widow or orphan as it is too devastating for society to explain it. I know that I have found my greatest support in my family and friends and at my SANDS meetings. Having people understand my loss, know the grief I suffer helped me to keep going.

The thing I find hardest is when people forget to acknowledge that Dominque is indeed part of my family and was a reality for us. I recognise that it is hard for people to know what to say, but pretending she did not exist makes the grief for me so much more real.

I used to wonder what kind of God would take my baby, but now understand it is the same God that gave me Dante and Gabriel, and who gave me the honor of knowing Dominique, if only briefly and gave me the strength and courage to continue my life and make the most of what I have.

I will spend my life mourning her but also celebrating what she has given me. Those brief moments I spent with her will remain the quintessential moments of my life. I will never be able to physically hold her again, but she remains a permanent fixture in my heart and my life .I am the greater for having her, and although I will spend eternity missing her, she has given me more than I could possibly imagine.

I now appreciate the little things so much more, I belief I am a better parent to my two boys (although a little smothering at times), and truly value how precious children really are. The insignificant things no longer bother me; it is hard to get upset about a scratch on a car or a smear on a window when you have held an angel in your arms.

Dominique will always be part of me; she is a member of our "fambily " as my son Dante points out.

I am blessed with having carried 5 children inside me, and my knowledge that I have 3 children in heaven looking over my family comforts me daily.
I would like to conclude by reading some verses of the song "Angel " by Sarah Mclachlan, I played this song at Dominique's funeral, and find that it gives me comfort:

" Spend all your life waiting for that second chance,
For a break that will make it ok,
There is always some reason to feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, some beautiful release as memories seep from my veins,
I feel empty and weightless and need to find some piece of mind
In the arms of the angels, far away from here, from this star cooled room and the endlessness that you feel,
You are brought from the wreckage of your silent revelry,
In the arms of the angels, may you find some comfort here....
So tired of the straight life where everywhere you turn vultures and thief's at your back,
Your internal stone keeps on twisting,
How do you make you make up for all that you lack?
Doesn't make a difference trying to escape all the time, its easier to try and believe
This sweet madness, this glorious sadness that will forever bring me to my knees,
In the arms of the angels, may you find some comfort here."

Dominique Grace Rose, my precious angel, you complete me.....

Teresa

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