Stillbirth Neonatal Death Support (SA) Inc.

Of course there was no reason why I shouldn't become a mum. My husband and I had been happily married for a number of years and were living in our own home. But somehow we always thought we would start our family "next year".

After the initial shock was over I discovered that our baby although not planned, was definitely wanted.

I started to read.

I read everything I could get my hands on. I needed to prepare in order to become the perfect mother I pictured myself to be.

Although overweight I had no medical problems and after discussing things with my doctor I knew, that I need only worry for about the first 12 weeks. If after this scare period was over everything was still ok, then everything would be fine.

Our excitement became to much at about 8 weeks and we told our close family, we just couldn't hold it in any longer.

Following my first ultrasound (at approx 17 weeks) my expected day of arrival was changed. Baby wasn't the correct size for how far along I was. Not to worry they said, it often happens, you probably didn't fall pregnant exactly when you thought you did. So I never worried, as our baby wasn't planned I hadn't been keeping track of when it exactly could have happened.

Eventually I felt pretty secure about it all and started spreading the news further abroad. Because of my size not many people had guessed yet, and it turns out that was a blessing in disguise.

On the 7th of August 2001 I visited the hospital for a routine check. After checking my blood pressure (which was fine and hadn't moved since being pregnant) the midwife listened for my baby's heartbeat. After about 5 minutes of checking with a Doppler she decided to try an ultrasound machine, with doctor in tow they came to have a look.

At this stage I wasn't worried, last time it had taken ages to find the heart beat because baby was higher and more central than the midwife had expected. Not to worry, once the ultrasound machine was placed on me, they would find my baby safe and sound.

I couldn't be more wrong.

As soon as the baby appeared on the screen, I knew something was terribly wrong. Baby just wasn't moving around like last time.

Then the Doctor broke the devastating news, I am sorry, but it doesn't look very good I am afraid. I am going to send you up to the ultrasound department for a better look.

The midwife then rang my husband and asked him to come to the hospital as soon as he could. Explaining to him not do panic I was fine, but we needed to do an ultra sound on baby and that I wanted him to be there.
So I waited.

I waited for my husband to arrive, and I waited to find out the news.
Following a further look in the ultrasound department the official verdict was handed down, I am sorry but your baby's heart has stopped.

OH MY GOD!

How could this be, I hadn't had any indication, no bleeding I hadn't felt sick, no pains surely I would have known something.

After being placed into a quite room a councillor came to speak with us and discussed our choices. I couldn't believe it; I was still going to have to give birth to my dead baby. Somehow this just hadn't occurred to me, couldn't they just make it go away!

We was sent home to discuss if we would rather induce the pregnancy, or wait for mother nature to realise baby was dead and start things moving on her own.

After enormous amounts of anguish, discussion and tears, we decided to have the baby induced.

The following day (8th August 2001) the hospital was called and told of our decision.

On the 9th of August 2001 I entered the hospital at 8am in the morning and was shown to my room. Unfortunately we were on the maternity ward but they had placed me in my own room with bathroom etc, so I wouldn't be seeing any of the happy mums with babies.

We then had lots of people visiting. The social worker, anaesthetist, midwives etc, all discussing the birth of our baby and what they expected might happen.
Then they started the procedure.

This basically involved sticking some tablets near the cervix and waiting for something to happen.

Eventually it did. At 10.02pm our tiny baby weighing 210gms and measuring only 25.5 cm in length was born. Due to the length of time that had passed since baby's heart had stopped our tiny baby was also an odd colour. The midwife had discussed this with us previously, but it was far different from what I had expected.

One of the things that sticks with us most, is the fact that the midwife couldn't tell us what sex baby was. How in the hell could they not know? Looking at baby I was thinking girl, but all the forms were filled out with sex unknown.
We were able to spend some time with our baby, take some photographs and the hospital even dressed our baby in a tiny hand made smocked dress.
After a long time we asked the midwife to take our baby away and eventually we fell asleep.

The next morning I awoke feeling lost and alone. My husband was there for me every step of the way, we did everything together, but I just felt so empty and hurt. We also decided that there was no way we could leave that hospital without knowing the sex of our baby and of course we wanted to give baby a name. The hospital social worker was a big help with this, as soon as she discovered our problem she was off to find out for us. Before long she returned announcing that our baby was in fact a little girl. We named her Jessica.

Following the stillbirth of our first born Jessica, we then needed to make arrangements for her. So while the grieving started, so did the arrangements for a service. We found ourselves having to make hard decisions when we least wanted to be. Fortunately we had some wonderful help and support during this process.

On Wednesday the 15th of August 2001 we held a beautiful service for Jessica.

So many of our friends and family came to support us and to say goodbye to baby Jessica that they never had the chance to know. More tears were shed and more understanding of our grief formed in that short service than could ever be put into words.

I have shed many tears, been angry, hurt, frustrated and have taken some of it out on my family and friends. But thank goodness they have stood buy us, helped us through and supported us.

It has now been over 6 months since that dreadful day and somehow I still manage to find myself thinking of Jessica every single day. Although now I try to think of the nice things, the joy and surprise of finding out we was pregnant. The Joy of seeing her moving around inside me the first time.

Empty arms do feel ever so heavy but the old saying "What doesn't harm us will only make us stronger" seems to stand true in this situation.

Thank you for taking the time to read our story, I hope in some way it helps you get through.

Jenny.

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