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Newsletter
4 Articles
'Mothers
Day' - Andrea 1997
'Matilda May' - Andrea 1997
MOTHER'S
DAY
The anniversaries and
birthdays of our precious babies are always times of remembering,
reliving, reflection, pain and heartache. Mother's Day will also
be a much anticipated and sad day for many. It reminds us of what
might have been, what should be, and of the emptiness we feel without
our babies to share in the day. Unfortunately with all the publicity
and hype that surrounds Mother's Day it is difficult for us to ignore
and our own pain and sense of loss is accentuated by those around
us 'celebrating' the day together.
On my first Mother's
Day we said goodbye to our beautiful Matilda who was born the day
before. Her birthday therefore fell on Mother's Day the following
year. The whole build up to her first birthday and Mother's Day
was incredibly stressful and painful. I couldn't move but to be
faced with images of motherhood, the thing I yearned for more than
anything but could not physically fulfill. I was a mother but this
wasn't acknowledged. Unfortunately I was not prepared for the overwhelming
pain and anxiety that I would feel.
Now, approaching Matilda's
5th birthday and another Mother's Day without her I feel some sadness
but none of the excruciating pain, emptiness and anxiety that I
initially felt. I have plans in place of how to spend those days
so that my family and I can share the memories and enjoy them. I
would like to share some strategies with you for dealing with these
difficult times.
Being prepared for how
you might feel and having plans for how to spend the day can help
relieve some of the anxiety and apprehension that arises as the
day approaches. Although still sad, the significant day might then
become a day of healing and beauty to share with loved ones rather
than a day of pain and stress that you dread.
Most importantly you
need to give yourself permission to think of your baby and relive
memories. Many people think this is morbid and that you are "only
upsetting yourself". This is not the case. The baby is part
of you and your life and will always be, just like any other member
of your family. Shutting the memories away and not talking serves
only one purpose-it means that those around you don't have to think
or talk about something that makes them feel uncomfortable. It is
not only natural to remember but it is also important to your healing,
it helps ease the pain and accept the reality.
As the significant day
approaches make plans of how you can spend the day, of ceremonies
or rituals you may like to perform and who you would like to share
it with. Give yourself time as you might have in mind something
special that may take a while to find or prepare.
Ideas
for things to do
-
Allocate a set time
for reflection and remember, this time might include
- Looking
through photo albums
- Reading
through the funeral service
- Looking
through any memorabilia associated with the baby-footprints,
hospital bracelets, locks of hair, hospital records, ultrasound
photos or videos, bunny rugs, video of your time with the
baby etc.
- Play
music that helps you think about your baby
- Light
a special candle
- Burn
atmospheric or calming essential oils
- Prepare
a memorial garden, plant a tree
- Donate
money to a special charity in memory of your baby
- Buy a
gift, plant or trinket to add to your collection of memorabilia
- Share
the day with your other children by planning a small birthday
'party', or even a birthday cake
- Prepare
a small ceremony
- Light
candles
- Release
balloons
- Read
poetry or a reading from the funeral
- Play
a significant piece of music
- Buy or
pick a special bouquet of flowers
-
Plan what time you
will visit the cemetery or burial place, what to take with you
and what you will do whilst there
Write to family and friends explaining the significance of the
day and how they can support you through it
-
Talk with some who
knew your baby or with a SANDS Support Worker who can understand
your feelings
My best friend had a
little girl 9 days after Matilda was born and she is incredibly
special to me. It has become very important for us to share her
birthday together. We have a small party for the children and visit
the cemetery together. Matilda's birthday is now a day I actually
look forward to when I can set aside the time to focus on her, celebrate
her life and reflect on her impact on my life.
I feel for everyone who
is suffering and is dreading Mother's Day or another anniversary.
Grieving for a baby is an incredibly painful process, you have every
right to feel the way you do. Don't have any expectations, rather
allow yourself the time and freedom to do what you feel will help
in adjusting to and accepting the death of your precious baby.
In loving
memory of Matilda May
Born still, May 10th 1997
Andrea©
Matilda
May
She was not "just
one of those things"
just not meant to be
just not strong enough for this life
or not ready for this world
Her death was not God's will, or because
It wasn't her time yet.
It wasn't a lesson I needed to learn from.
She was conceived out of love
hoped and longed for more than anything.
She was perfect in every way with features like her
father's and a personality of all of her own.
She was and will always be our baby Matilda,
our first born child and sister to all who may follow
We will always be her parents and will always love her.
Matilda May Wilson
10th May 1997
Andrea
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© SANDS (SA) Inc. 1999-2002.
Last modified:16/7/04
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