Stillbirth Neonatal Death Support (SA) Inc.

Our oldest daughter, Aliya was 3 and half when we lost Liam, 20 weeks into his pregnancy. The 'experts' say to tell your children the whole truth but we decided to tell Aliya only what we thought she would cope with. We never lied to her, just simplified things and told her what we thought she would understand at her age.

For example, we haven't told her yet about his disabilities and that it was our decision to end the pregnancy. We did share our tears and sadness with her. And we still talk about how much we love him and wish we had him here. We talked about how scared we were when I fell pregnant again and how wonderful it was that her baby sister didn't get sick and die like Liam.

Aliya grieved very openly after we lost Liam. Probably because our family did too. She often thought or dreamed about him at night. For many months after his death, she would wake us up, in tears and want to talk about him. As time passed, the dreams did too. She would then get up in the morning and tell me about the games she had played with Liam in her dreams.

Liam is very much part of all our lives. Aliya talks about him a lot (often at really awkward times, such as standing in a crowded checkout at Coles!), and Kira will grow up knowing she had an older brother who died.

Eventually they will both be told all the details, either when I think they are old enough or bit by bit as questions come up. They need to know before they decide to have children so they can make informed decisions and talk things over with their health professionals.

Tori

Liam

I asked Aliya if she would like to tell people about Liam. After a few open ended questions to get things started, below is what she told me to write down.

There was a Liam at Kindy. Our Liam was in Mummy's tummy and he was very sick and he died. Mum needed to go into hospital lots of times. He went up in the stars. Once in the night I woke up and cried because I wanted Liam to come back. I missed him.

He is 2 now. We went to the cemetery for his birthday and put a windy toy on his grave and a rose I helped Mummy pick out of the garden. Only his body is in the grave, his alive part is up in the stars. I look at the stars at night time and I sing songs about him and that makes me remember him. I think he was nice. I still feel sad sometimes.

In Aliya's own words - (aged 5 and half years)

When should we tell our subsequent child?

My husband and I first came in contact with SANDS after the death of our first baby Nicholas at three days and 22 hours, a beautiful little boy who would now be three and a half. At the time I thought the issue of children and Nicholas' death was not a topic we would have to deal with. We had no small children on either side of our family and we were the first of our friends to begin a family.

Eight months after our son died, we were lucky enough to fall pregnant again, and after what seemed a very long pregnancy, we were again blessed with another beautiful boy, Bradley, who is now a very active toddler (and the apple of our eye).

Now the issue of children and grief has begun in our family. We have 'photo's up in our family room of Nicholas and a very interested little brother pointed out not so long ago "baby sleeping".

What a shock I got! I had often thought about when we would tell him about his older brother but I had expected we would sit him down in a few years and explain.

Now I hope that Nicholas will just be a part of his life as he is ours. He will see the photos in the family room, hear his name mentioned in conversation and come to the cemetery with us.

I know that in the next few years that many questions will be asked and we will have to try to be prepared to answer them.

We will do our best and be honest and hope that we are doing the right thing for him and for us.

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