Tomorrow will be eight weeks since my baby died. At times it feels like yesterday. I have made plans to return to work next week. Although the thought of it makes me nervous, part of me thinks that I have come a long way and now is perhaps the time to give it a try. 

I had only just returned to work the week Christopher died. I had been quite ill in the early weeks and took some time off work. I then had a threatened miscarriage in week 10*. I also had several smaller bleeds after that and then spent over a month, and almost two in total, at home resting. 

I had been back at work only three days when my waters broke and I haven’t been back since. Monday will be my first day back. I’m nervous about seeing people who know what has happened but who I haven’t spoken to since. I am nervous about people acting as though or saying something to suggest that the loss of Christopher is not as significant as I think it is. You know, “just a miscarriage”. 

I was 19 weeks pregnant when I lost Christopher. A late miscarriage and one week short of being considered stillborn. Unfortunately,  many [clearly uninformed] people believe that a “miscarriage” is just like having a period and not as significant or devastating as having a baby that is born still. My baby was complete. He had perfectly formed fingers and toes, his grandmother’s nose and my finger nails. To me, he was a baby in every sense of the word. For him to be thought of as a heavy period is too hurtful to describe.  

Because I have the impression that my colleagues (from those that I have spoken to) don’t understand why it is taking me so long to get back to work, I fear they think that I have “just” had a miscarriage. I am scared that I am not yet strong enough to be treated in such a manner. I’m also scared about walking back into the place that I haven’t been to since I was pregnant. I was having mild contractions the last afternoon that I was there. Although at the time I didn’t know it.

I went home early because I wasn’t feeling so well. That night I woke to the heart sinking feeling of my waters breaking.  

I had actually been planning to look for a job elsewhere before I discovered that I was pregnant. Then I decided to stay until I went on maternity leave. That would have been at the end of this month. Instead I am returning to work. It’s an emotionally demanding job and I am not so sure how I’ll handle it. I think the fact that I wasn’t happy there even before this happened is making it even harder for me. What’s more is that I would like to get pregnant again soon and so applying for another job elsewhere doesn’t seem like the right thing to do either. I don’t want to tell myself that I’ll just stay until I get pregnant again because that just puts more pressure on me. I really don’t know how I’ll cope or whether I’ll last. I guess I’m going to have to take it one day at a time. 

Christopher was my first. Being at home now with no baby to care for and not earning an income makes me feel useless. I am hoping that earning money again will at least give me some sense of worth. It sounds ridiculous I know. Especially to me. I have always argued that money means little and after having lost Christopher even more so. However, I don’t know what else to do to make myself feel useful again.  

I am hoping that by sharing my story, my thoughts and my love, I will feel useful again. I hope I can help you.

 Lidia