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Helping Each Other Love Parenting
How come I got an 'A' for Biology and a 'D' for Motherhood?
Dealing with feelings of Frustration, Failure and Guilt.
This is the first of our series called "HELP! I'm a mother now. It might seem strange to you that our first topic is "how come I got an A for Biol...." but we feel that many mothers often feel this way especially in the first years of motherhood. Even those mothers who seem to have it all together often have moments of doubt when they feel they are just not measuring up. Our Western society often seems to push us to 'Supermom' mode where we feel like we must be able to accomplish all in order to succeed. Wife, Mother, Career woman, school volunteer etc. we feel we must be them all.
At Care For Kids we feel that mums (and dads) need to be able to learn how to deal with these feelings. None of us are perfect, and even when we do get it right we may still feel inadequate because of our societies pressures. By sharing our fears and our successes with each other we can begin to grow in our parenting skills and also learn to 'cut ourselves some slack' and accept our shortcommings.
Following is a copy of the material used at Coffee and Crayons on May 6th. May it bless you today.
How come I got an 'A' for Biology and a 'D' for Motherhood? Dealing with Feelings of Frustration, Failure and Guilt.
by Libby
Sorry I couldn't be with you today. My husband's prayers have finally been answered - I have been stricken with laryngitis. Yep, no talking ESPECIALLY on the telephone. OH yeah and I'm contagious, so I can't even hang out with my friends and mime whinging....
Today is the first of our serises called HELP! I'm a mother now! Helping each other love parenting. So it might seem strange to you that our first topic is "How come I got an A for Biology and a D for motherhood?...etc.
Hang in there for a few minutes. All will be revealed, hopefully.
But first, a true confession. I have an addiction. I am hooked on 'Desperate Housewives! I know some of you probably remember me getting outraged about the title before it even started, but what can I say? It makes me laugh.... and one episode it even made me cry.
There's a character called Lynette, who used to be a successfu business woman and is now at home on 'Wisteria Lane' with 4 small lively little boys and a husband who is away on business a lot. She tries so hard to keep it all together, but the kids are always doing 'fun' stuff like jumping fully clothed into the neighbour's pool during a friends wake.
Lynette is totally exhausted and continually embarassed by her inability to control the kids. In a desperate effort to keep up with the school's supermums, lynette starts taking her son's ADD medication, (which makes adults hyper). For a while this seems to work, as she sews school play costumes, scrubs the house inside with a toothbrush and turns the whole family out in immaculate style. ...There seems no stopping her......Until the lack of sleep catches up with her and she starts hallucinating her own demise.
Lynette breaks down, and hands the kids to her friend, hops in her car and drives off. When her friends finally track her down, she is slumped against a goal post staring numbly into space. Her friends gently nudge her to find out what has happened and she collapses in tears of failure and remorse. she thinks she is a terrible failure as a mother and a wife.
Her friends, (who all now have teenagers) tell her how hard they found it when their kids were little. Bree, who comes across as Mrs Perfect, admits that she use to use the kids nap time for 'crying'. Lynette turns to them and cries "why on earth haven't you ever told me this before?" When they ask if it helps she shouts YES!
Have you ever felt like a complete failure at motherhood? I know I have, Many times! I too have LIVELY boys, and I have certainly felt pressure to be a "Super Mum". Our society, especially in magazines aimed at mothers, often sets up as normal the picture of the slim, beautiful, loving mother able to juggle breastfeeding, work, exercise, maintaining a spotless home and model slinky lingerie for her husband.
If there is anyone here who matches that description, I congratulate you, and ask you never to tell me who you are.
For the rest of us, it may be time for a reality check.
* Human beings are not perfect God is perfect - not us
* It is not possible to be all things to all people all of the time.
* Even mothers have times when they are tempted to sell the kids to the gypsies.
* Mothers are not machines, and we all need rest, time to ourselves (awake and asleep) and some tender l loving care
So why should we talk about negative feelings?
How will that HELP us to love parenting?
In my experience, talking and sharing our burdens breaks down the walls between us, helps us to understand that there are no super mums, and lifts the weight of those feelings from our shoulders. It is also a great way to build loving, HONEST friendships.
There's another, very important thing about admitting we are not perfect and that we need help. As a wit once joked, "Children are God's plan to drive parents to their knees (inprayer). When we understand that we are not perfect, it forces us to reach out, and grab hold of our Creator's hand. Remember we only " can do all things through him (Jesus) who strengthens us."!
You know Lynette is a good mum - (although I can't condone the ADD medication thing). She loves her kids and husband, and she tries hard to do the right thing for them. Even when she was losing it she made sure they were safe. A lot of the things she struggles with come from her own (unrealistic) expectations of her self and her perceptions of others around her.
As you take time to poder the discssion points, you may want to challenge yourself to break down that "Super mum" stereotype. Don't think of it as an admission of failure - think of it as reaching out to God and to other mums. Let God show you his idea of motherhood and rest in Him.
Thaks Libby for sharing with us.
Discussion Topics.
1) Do you fill out an imaginary Report card on your parenting? Do you pass or fail? Does your mark depend on the day or time of day you answer?
2) Today's title talks about an A for Biology - but many women experience great feelings of failure over their pregnancy or birth experiences. What did you expect from labour - and from yourself? How did the real thing measure up?
3) 'B' is for Boobies. Why do we get so worked up about breastfeeding? How could women be kinder to themselves and each other over this difficult topic? John 13:34, 1 Cor 13:4
4) What do kids really need? How important are 'nice' clothes and fancy strollers and the right image? Does God or (your child) care if you are a " Yummy Mummy"? Proverbs 31:30, Luke 12:29-31
5) Do real mums make mistakes? Does it make more sense to learn from them and then move on, or to torture ourselves endlessly?
6) If you had a rest, would it be the end of the world? Mark 6:31b, Matthew 11:28. Isaiah 40:31
You may print and use this material, but please do not change content.
Would your group like to participate in our HELP series. Email us if you would like to join us. Speakers are available to present this material to your group.