Mothers Grief Reactions

mother's grief reactions

father's grief reactions

bereaved parents needs

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Mother's Grief Reaction

While both parents grieve for the death of their baby, each will grieve separately as well. There are a number of grief reactions that are common to most mothers.

Disbelief

Like the fathers, this is the immediate reaction. No one expects the death of their baby. We can accept the fact that elderly people will eventually die. In normal circumstances we would expect to die before our children, so the death of our baby is an event we find hard to accept.

Denial

The mothering bonding begins very early in pregnancy. The joyous expectancy of the arrival of a healthy baby increases as the birth approaches. The news that our baby has died creates a shocked response. Many mothers have refused to believe the fact. "Tell me you are lying!"...."No! No! You have mixed me up with someone else, my baby is still alive!"

Reason Why

Questions begin to race through the mother's mind. There is a very real need for these questions to be answered honestly and simply. Many mothers are reluctant to ask some of these questions of the doctor or are discouraged by their husbands who have moved into the 'love and protective role' and suggest .... "don't ask, you will only upset yourself."

Anger

Some mothers have expressed very real anger over the death of their baby. Anger that is directed at - God, doctors, nursing staff, any others (who come into the 'firing line' and make unhelpful comments). Mother should be allowed to express this anger and helped to work through it. Suppression of this normal grief reaction can cause delay in working through their grief.

Jealousy

Some mothers have admitted to feeling jealous of other mothers whose baby is alive. They have wished that the situation could be reversed. Unless this grief reaction can be accepted and 'worked through' it can cause strained relations with those involved.

Disappointment

Because of the joyous expectation built up over the time of the pregnancy, the death of the baby can be such a disappointment as to be almost unbearable.

Self-Blame

Mothers have expressed a sense of responsibility over the death of their baby. In looking for reasons for their loss, they have blamed themselves for what has happened.

Guilt

Coupled with the above, mothers have expressed guilt over causing their baby's death through smoking, drinking, exercising, diet, catching a virus, not resting, travelling, worry, tension, working and quite a lot more. Some of these guilt reactions may appear to be rational and others irrational, but none the less they are all very real to the one experiencing them. They should be allowed to express their guilt and assist them to deal with it in a healthy grief attitude.

Loneliness

Many mothers have expressed a deep sense of loneliness. Of being odd...unusual...different...alone...apart...from the other women in the maternity section who have successfully delivered live babies. Having the husband 'room in' the hospital with the wife helps tremendously. Allowing other mothers who have been through the same trauma visit with the newly bereaved mother has proved successful in overcoming the feeling of being 'odd'.

Future

All our future dreams, hopes and aspirations for our child is completely and totally shattered by our baby's death. It takes a long time to begin to rebuild a life again. It takes a long time for the 'hurt' to ease to the point where the mother and father are prepared to 'risk' future dreams.

The identification and acceptance that these are NORMAL grief reactions for mothers who lose their baby helps in 'working through' the bereavement.

Being able to talk with other parents who have been through the same tragedy and have successfully coped with their loss has been the means of helping newly bereaved parents to 'stabilise' and begin a healthy grief resolution.