sands stillbirth and neonatal death support group south australia

Relatives and Friends Checklist

Help by sharing the baby with the parents. If they call the baby by name they might like you to as well.

Let your sorrow show. This is appreciated by the parents and can open the door for the sharing of feelings. Being receptive to the parents' need to talk about the baby can be important for everyone.

Avoid platitudes. Words like: 'you can always have another one,' 'you are lucky to have other children', 'you'll feel better when,' 'time heals' and ' it was for the best' are all probably true and well meant but of no help at all and may in some cases be detrimental. This baby is not replaceable.

Help by trying to act normally, asking questions about things you don't know or understand.

Visit the hospital, send flowers, etc. This makes the parents feel they are normal and are not alone in their grieving. Parents need recognition of the fact and that they had a baby. Special difficulty may arise if the baby was one of twins. The mother is expected to be extra happy for her live child. Few people realize that she may have overriding grief for the twin who has died.

Help by admitting that you are also feeling you are not coping and perhaps don't know how to give support. This reinforces the fact that you are also new to this situation and willing to care.

Be Sympathetic. It is sad when someone dies. This baby was real and the parents need time to grieve. Remember that the father's loss is equally real and stressful. Father's need to resolve their grief in their own way.

Allow time to grieve. Let the parents talk and cry on and on....try to be a good listener. Some mothers and fathers need a long time to recover. It may take many years. Some people make the mistake of allowing what they think is a reasonable grieving time and then expect parents to return to a normal life. This is rarely so. Remember everyone is different, things may never be the same for those parents again. Even perhaps after another child, parents will still grieve for the baby who has died.

Anniversaries Special days - Father's day, Mother's day, Christmas etc. will remind parents of what might have been. Anniversary dates of the baby's birth, death and due date will be difficult days for most parents. Offer support on these days. A phone call or a visit will reassure the parents that you too remember the importance of this day.

Offer help but don't be offended if this is refused. Let the parents arrange the funeral, put away baby clothing and handle the newspaper insertion, as they wish. Often parents need to be in charge of these tasks as a part of the grieving process. Be there and be supportive but don't take over.

Ask whether/when they would like assistance with the housework, shopping or looking after other children (grieving is a high energy activity) If other people know about the baby's death, the return to household duties and workplace can be less stressful. Ask whether you can help by letting casual acquaintances in the workplace, shops and schools know about the baby's death.

But don't expect the mother to be physically well in a few days.
For example, her breasts will produce milk for perhaps some weeks after the birth. The absence of a baby can entice people to believe that she has fully recovered and is ready to join sporting groups, social clubs, etc., immediately.
This false assumption can lead to confusion.

Don't foist constant company on either parent. There is commonly a need for some 'personal' space and opportunity to be alone now and again.
Don't push other babies under the nose of either parent either physically or verbally. If you have a young baby don't be offended if the bereaved mother shows no interest or declines to hold it. On the other hand don't go out of your way to hide your baby from her - act normally.

Respect and be supportive of the parents decisions. The decision as to whether or when they will have another baby rests with the parents.

Subsequent pregnancies may cause a re-emergence of emotions and parents need special understanding at this time. If and when a new baby is born do not expect the parents to forget this baby. No matter how long after the baby's death they will remember and still think about him or her.

My own personal needs - this space is left for your own comments.

With kind permission taken from the booklet
Coping with your special Loss.
Printed by Stillbirth, Miscarriage and Neonatal Death Association
of the ACT