sands stillbirth and neonatal death support group south australia

Father's Grief Reactions

While both parents grieve for the death of their baby, each will grieve separately as well. There are a number of grief reactions that are common to most fathers.

Disbelief

This is the immediate reaction. No-one expects the death of their baby. We can accept the fact that elderly people will eventually die. In the normal run of life we would expect to die before our children, so the death of our baby is an event each father finds extremely difficult to accept.

Numbness

Because of the survival instincts of the mind there is a "closing down" to the point where there is just a numbness ...bewilderment. Fathers speak of just existing... not really living... somehow carrying on.

Disappointment

Fathers have so many plans for the eagerly awaited baby that are so totally shattered in a moment of time. All the future hopes, dreams and aspirations for his child are destroyed. He finds it difficult to dream and plan for the future... a defence mechanism against any further devastating disappointment.

Isolation of emotion

Most fathers tend to internalise where grief reactions are concerned. Conditioning of society with most men makes it difficult for them to express their hurt emotionally. "Men do not cry". Then there is the thought that they must "remain strong" for their wives... so many men "hold their emotions in check" and appear to be "coping" very well with the death of their baby.

Emptiness

Fathers experience a great big emptiness in their lives at the death of their baby. There is a tremendous void. This can be eased for them, if they are encouraged (never forced) to see hold and touch their dead baby. The first reaction when asked if he would like to see and hold his baby may be "NO". Allow him the opportunity to change his mind if he so wishes. Suggest to him later in the day or the next day that he might like to see and hold his baby. The decision must be his.

Anger

Many fathers experience a real hostility and outbursts of anger that can be directed towards... God, doctors, hospital staff, family, friends, work mates, himself and sometimes his partner... because of the tremendous frustration he feels at not being able to "protect" his baby from dying and his partner from being hurt. This anger may be evident soon after the baby's death or may "simmer" just below the surface and "break out" at the most unexpected moments.

Anger towards the baby

Some fathers have admitted feeling angry towards their baby for dying. They feel that their whole future for their baby and themselves has been shattered and they feel cheated. They ask rather angrily of their baby... "Why did you die?" I have so many plans for us. I have so much love to give you". Then they feel "guilty" for having such thoughts. It is an expression of hurt.